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Now immediately most of you were taken to the tube.
The enigmatic, stylised and romantic Underground with its endless but metropolitan feeling stairs and the refreshing, sweeping draft from a train as it emerges onto a busy platform from the deep, dark, murky tunnels.
But what i have to talk isn't as pleasurable and nostalgic as that, no today i talk of something bigger, redder and nastier, possibly the uncoolest way of getting from Aldwych to Battersea.
The London Bus, as English as a Beefeater sitting in a queue talking about the rain.
Yet, I hate them with a passion.
All bus etiquette go's out the window when in London, I'm not talking about the traditional value of giving your seat to a lady or elderly gent i'm pleased to say a lot of that kinda thing go's on.
No i mean.....well for one lets say this, anywhere else if you get on a crowded bus and you are forced to sit next to a man who wants to tell you about his seashell and pritt stick business who smells faintly of cress when someone gets up and leaves the carriage you still feel morally obliged to stay there as if to save the mans feelings.
Not here, the mere sniffter of another seat and people can be scene throwing handbags, spouses and children at the vacancy in a vain bid to nab it regardless of the hurt feelings for their former neighbour who they are so heavily underlining that they hate.
I saw a man look visibly jarred by a woman moving from a seat next to him to another seat WITH SOMEONE ELSE IN THE OTHER SEAT!!!!!
The audacity! At first i thought she may have known the man but no, silence from both of them.
She did it with no hint of awkwardness or acknowledgement of her social faux pas.
How dare she make a judgement of his character or intentions without speaking to him, and before you comment he walked past me when getting off and he smelt fine (although i did have a quiet moment to think "i'm sniffing bus patrons know am i??").
It riled me as a similar thing happened to me last week when i was sat on the bus with the last vacant seat next to me, (an already upsetting fact) when a lady, it must be said a rather attractive lady (a BUPA lady if you get the reference) got on, took one look at me and decided to stand up instead, for 25 minutes.
At this point i should point out I was on the top deck of the bus at this time.
Your not aloud to stand on the top deck of a bus, its actually illegal.
This women would rather break the Queen's law than sit next to me on a bus, thats a bad sign.
Its at this point in my week that I ended up thinking "Fuck it, i'm gonna start sniffing people."
Perhaps you still have the smell of a foreigner about you? London types have highly-evolved nasal glands to detect the strench of country-folk, and they class anyone from outside of the M25 as county-folk. The easiest way to remedy this is to rub yourself with a cockney pigeon, steal and wear the crown jewels or shave an urban fox and wear it's pelt on public transport.
ReplyDeleteIncidentally, the best way to ensure that you don't lose your Oyster card is to swallow it whole. This way, you will never misplace it, and as a lovely bonus you are compelled to rub you naked stomach against the turnstyle everytime you need to get somewhere, like a juicy pervert.
More pearls of wisdom from the Crimson Ebolg.
You're welcome.
this is a good idea. people would think i had a a magic tum tum, if they question me i will just threaten them with a belly rubbing of their own
ReplyDeleteoyster cards are weird when you get on a bus the rule is try your card twice if it doesn't work and on second time if still no avail get on anyway as its there problem.
I can see that your rage is completely justified my friend and trust me on this, though she may have been bupa in the looks division, she is clearly a julian greaves in the heart department!
ReplyDelete